Grief

Grief is a natural response to a loss that means something to us. While we may not enjoy the grieving process, grieving is normal and necessary for us when we experience a loss.

There are many articles out there on the different stages of grief. We may not necessarily go from one stage to another in sequence. I think it is good for us, who have been through abortion, to look at the various stages of grief and recognise where we are in our grieving process.

Relief

Women may feel relieved after an abortion.

After weeks of uncertainty and fear, this is finally over and I am not pregnant anymore.

No one will find out about the pregnancy.

Denial

When the initial feelings of relief wear off, and when your mind goes back to the actual experience of the abortion, you may experience denial as it may be difficult to cope with the memories of the abortion. Moving out of denial takes time, and it is different for each individual.

The abortion feels surreal. It happened so quickly that it didn’t feel like it actually happened.

We are all better off with the abortion. The abortion did not harm anyone. I can get on with life.

Pain and Guilt

When the reality of the loss hits you, you may feel the emotional pain of the loss. You may feel guilty for what you have done, or should have done but did not do. These feelings of pain and guilt may be overwhelming but it is important to acknowledge these emotions.

I miss my baby. How I wish my baby is still with me.

I’m sorry for what I have done. I feel like I can never forgive myself for what I have done.

Anger

You may be angry at yourself, at your partner, family members, circumstances, God, etc. At this stage, you may dwell on the ways you have been hurt by others and blame them for the decision to abort. You may also try to bargain for a chance to have another chance and wished that things would turn out differently. If this anger is not dealt with, it could lead to bitterness.

Why did I listen to him? Why did I even trust him in the first place? How could my family have said this to me? Why weren’t they there for me?

God should have stopped me.

I wish I could reverse the abortion and be pregnant again.

Depression

The role women played in ending the lives of their babies can fill them with guilt, shame, self-condemnation and unforgiveness. When a woman faces the reality of the loss, together with the sense that there is no way of reversing the abortion, she may fall into depression with a sense of hopelessness. She may even start to entertain death wishes, and withdraw from her social circles.

I feel like there is a dark cloud over my head wherever I go.

I have to force myself to laugh and look happy in front of my friends.

I can’t find the strength to go on with life anymore.

Acceptance

Having dealt with the emotional pain of the abortion and learning to forgive those who have hurt us, we are slowly and surely moving into this stage of acceptance. Accepting that we lost our babies due to the abortion and that we don’t have to feel guilty with moving forward with our lives. We begin to see this healing journey as part of a growth process where we have a deeper understanding of ourselves.

Abortion is part of my story. My story doesn’t end here. I have hope for my future.

I may have made some mistakes in the past, but I have been through a beautiful process of love and forgiveness and have become a better person through this experience.

I want to help other women who are going through this pain.

While grieving is not fixed to a set of stages, it may be helpful for us to recognise that we are grieving and know where we are in our grief. As you read this, are you able to identify where you are in your grief? Which stage(s) resonate with you?

Reference: Forgiven and Set Free by Linda Cochrane